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The Tanks We Get/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Into a personal sauna. [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: [ laughs ] if you worship nature, then here's the high priest of the forest, the grand pooh-bah, with an amazing resemblance to the pooh bear, here he is -- mr. Red green! Wa-a-a! Pooh bear! Our pooh bear! Oh, bear! Whoo! Thank you very much, and thanks for tuning in, and I would like to apologize for any of the religious overtones in harold's introduction there. Uh, harold, possum lodge is not exactly a place of worship, and if I could work miracles, would you still be here? Ha ha ha. Well, yes, I can work miracles, uncle red. [ keyboard clacking ] [ chuckles ] see, I just raised this show from the dead. Well, it can go back. Been an interesting week up here at the lodge. Uh, bob stuyvesant, who works for the department of natural resources, has to dispose of a whole bunch of rusty old 40,000-gallon gas tanks. These are the big, huge tanks that they put underneath the gas stations, you know? And, apparently, when a gas station closes, the government makes them dig them all up. I guess it's kind of a make-work project or something, you know. So, anyway, bob's got to get rid of 50 of these great, big, huge gas tanks. Flinty watson, a local scrap-metal dealer, he took one of them, but, uh, it was about three-quarters full of premium unleaded, so, uh, flinty's scrap-metal truck and flinty's scrap-metal furnace and his scrap-metal crane are now pretty well just scrap metal. And, harold, remember that big, hairy dog of flinty's? Oh, yeah! It's a bouvier. Well, not anymore, harold. More of a hairless chihuahua. And a real jumpy one. But a big one. It looks a lot like old man sedgwick. So, now bob is down to 49 of the tanks, and, uh, next thing you know is, he's offering 100 bucks a tank to anybody who will take one of them away. Yeah, okay, right. Good luck. [ laughs ] I took 49 of them. You got a problem with that, harold? Well, yeah, I mean, they're ugly, and they're dangerous, and they're toxic. Well, so are the lodge members. So we're gonna get along fine. As a matter of fact, we sat around the other night, and it was just amazing the number of ideas we came up with as to what we can do with all these huge gas tanks. I blame the beer. Whatever, you know. Uncle red, I'm just saying. I get a bad feeling about you guys monkeying around with 50 huge, humongous gas tanks. 49, harold. Okay, 49. [ explosion, glass shattering ] 48. Okay. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ when I was just a schoolboy ♪ ♪ I had pens and papers and a nice-looking turtle named mort ♪ ♪ it really bothered me that he was slow ♪ ♪ I was willing to overlook that he was short ♪ ♪ we studied in east indian culture ♪ ♪ and I got an idea in class ♪ ♪ I stopped feeding mort for a month or so ♪ ♪ 'cause the teacher said that's how you make things fast ♪ she was wrong. Yeah. Red: This week on, uh, "handyman corner," we're gonna show you a few things you can do with your clothes dryer during those regular three- or four-month hiatuses between laundry day. I'm sure a lot of our viewers make the model planes, and you get painting them up with that special lacquer on there that looks so good, but it's very, very hard on the eyes and so on. Wouldn't it be nice to have a nice place to dry those in? Well, I suggest that what you do is take the spinning drum out of your dryer, put some shelves in there, and you can just lay the planes or whatever in there real nice. You got the heat, it's dust-free, and it'll take the fumes and push them right outside into your neighbor's yard. So I suggest you just set the control on the "delicate" and run her for about an hour. Well, now, that is interesting because I-I had specifically asked harold to remove the spinning drum, but, uh, well, he's either forgotten or maybe he got too busy simonizing his head. So what we're looking at here is, uh, three years of model building down the tubes. Oh, I'm glad they weren't mine. All right, uh, I'll show you something else that you can do with your dryer, but for this one, we definitely have to remove the spinning drum, which is no big deal. Usually it's got some screws on the back here, or, uh, might be some wing nuts. Not a big job. Maybe it's the locking clips on this -- no, no. Maybe it got the sliders -- oh. Well, I... I guess she's probably just a pressed fit. All right, uh... Where we are now is, uh, what we call the point of no return for a handyman, uh, where, in order for me to continue trying to get the spinning drum out of the dryer -- which is more trouble than it's worth -- I have to make the conscious decision to take this personally. Basically, what I'm saying is, "this is my dryer. I own this dryer. I can do whatever I want with this dryer," whereas what the dryer is saying to me is, "oh, no, no, no. "you stupid burnt-out old man. There's no way you're getting anywhere near my spinning drum," and, to me, this is an attitude that requires an adjustment of significant proportion. All righty, uh, I didn't get everything out. I left the motor and the belts and stuff. I don't think they do much. I got the drum out. That's the main thing. Now what you want to do is, uh, you want to take a marker of some kind, and, uh, you want to draw a hole on the top of here just about the same size as your head, or if you got a small head, I guess you could draw it the size of your hat. And once you've done that, now take off all your clothes and get a jigsaw. No, no, no. Get a jigsaw and then take off all your clothes. I'm not making that mistake again. And what you want to do is cut that thing out 'cause your head's got to pop through there. When you come back, be naked. We'll have some fun. [ film projector clicking ] and now it's that time of the show where we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say -- "I don't know." and now here to prove that point once again is my uncle red and his good friend mr. Dougie franklin. Okay, "dear experts. I just bought a new car." oh! Cars are my specialty. Oh, I'll say. I'll say. I'll tell you what -- there's nothing that dougie here doesn't know about cars. Oh, okay, excellent. That's gonna make this question so perfect, then. Okay, it says, "my new car has an electronic ignition "and computer-controlled fuel injection. "I was wondering what is the importance of boolean logic and computer programming." excellent question. Uh, dougie? What? You want to field that question? Was there actually a question in there, red? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was the importance of boolean logic and computers. You know, like theorems and logical propositions, and, uh, and/or gates, uh, set theory, you know. We took all this in algebra. Wa-a-a. [ clears throat ] well, uh coughs you know, that is a dandy question, and, uh, but, you know, I can't answer it because they didn't really mention what make of car it was they bought. Well, let's just say it was a ford product. [ clears throat ] uh, okay. Uh...A ford, uh, product. Well, uh, of course your boolean logic is less important in your ford than say, uh, your gm product. Uh, it may be a little bit more important than a chrysler. Now throat your domestic boolean logic, by and large, is not quite as fancy, intricate, or convoluted as your, uh, imported boolean, uh, logic. [ coughs ] but, uh... You know, if you were to -- to have like a -- like a set theory, uh, break down, uh, of course it'd be a lot easier to get your and/or gates or your or/and gates or your and/or maybe gates -- oh, geez. And, you know... Lord knows if you're -- if you're intending on -- on rebuilding a domestic, uh, theorem, it's gonna be a lot easier than one of those, uh, flimsy, uh, imported jobs. I'll tell you that. "it is winter. "we hitched the horse up to the sleigh "like grandfather used to do. "over hills and through the dales "we glide for an hour or two, "and soon my ears are brittle and my mouth is frozen shut. "my eyes are locked wide open, and all I see is a horse's butt." okay, so, what you have is your very own high-fashioned swedish sauna. You just, uh, turn on the heat, and it'll sweat the worries and the pounds away, and, by golly, it feels awful good, and if you got a lint filter there, it'll even clean out your belly button for you. So you set the setting on the dryer to whatever suits your style. Maybe you're "normal" or "delicate" or maybe a "hot, fast tumble" is the way you go. Personally, I'm a "permanent press" kind of a guy. So, I'm gonna have my sauna right now, but you keep this in mind -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ dryer whirring ] well, I still had a few of those big tanks to get rid of, so I thought maybe I could pawn them off on the loneliest man in the world -- ranger gord. Oh, oh! Mr. Green! Oh! Excuse the mess. I was hoping to have more of this puzzle finished before you arrived. Well, I can come back later, gord. No! No! Come on, come on. It's fine. Come in. Boy, that's a -- that's a heck of a big jigsaw puzzle you got there. Yeah, 25,000 pieces. [ chuckles ] golly, I didn't know they made them that big. Well, they don't. So what I did was I drew a picture on my linoleum floor, and I cut it out into little pieces. It took me six months to put it together the first time. But only five months the second time. [ laughs ] good for you, gord. You know, gord, this is a bit of a long shot, but would you have any use for a couple of 40,000-gallon gas tanks? Boy, what's been going on up at the lodge these days? I've been hearing some pretty big explosions coming from over there. You know, I bet I can guess. I bet I can guess what it is. Yeah, it's the gas tanks. No, no, no. Let me guess. Let me guess like they do on "dotto." uh throat are you guys blowing up whale? It's the gas tanks. We had a couple of accidents. Oh, I bet I know what it is. Uh, you guys are taking something that ignites and setting fire to it. Yeah, you got it. That's right. Yeah, I knew it! Ha ha! Thank you very much. Thank you. Do I win a prize or something? Yes, you do, gord. You win, uh, two 40,000-gallon gas tanks. Oh! Wow! Thank you! Oh, this is great. Ha ha. I really appreciate this. What will I do with them? I'll, uh -- I'll make them into marble towers or guest cabins. You guys could drop by. I really appreciate this. Yeah, I guess that could happen. Well, uh, thank you very much for your time, gord. I really appreciate talking to you, and we'll see you later, I guess, eh? No, you're not going, huh? Well, I... Well, the puzzle. What about the puzzle? Puzzle? Huh? What about your game? We haven't finished your little game show, huh? [ voice breaking ] I haven't done the bonus round yet. That's not fair. Stay. [ crying ] all right. Gord, what I'm thinking is -- now, wait now. What I'm thinking -- what I'm thinking is that I could come back when you need more tanks, huh? Okay. Yeah. Okay. [ laughs ] you can never have too many marble towers or guest cabins. No, but first you'll need guests and your marbles. Well, it's not even lunchtime, and most of the tanks have been spoken for. Junior singleton duct-taped three of them together and made a pretty hefty pontoon boat. He's not gonna move too fast, but he'll never run out of gas. Uncle red, get this -- there's a whole bunch of them down at the beach, and they're welding them all together end to end, and here's the best part -- they figure they're gonna make a tunnel that goes right across the bottom of possum lake. Yeah, that's right, harold. We're gonna be able to drive right into town just like the holland tunnel in new york city, the big apple, harold. Oh, yeah. No, it should be exactly the same. You know, except, of course, for, you know, the gas fumes and the rounded bottom, you know. And the leaks. You know, there's no light, and there's no ventilation. Otherwise -- boom-boom -- exactly the same. [ chuckles ] anyway, I just, uh, finished putting the last coat of paint on my own particular project. Oh, excellent. You got like a plan for the tanks, too? Yeah, I got one that had quite a bit of gas in it, and I rolled her up onto rock reef point there, flipped her up on her rear end, went up on top, drilled a hole down through her, put a work sock in there as a wick, lit her up -- got ourselves a lighthouse, harold. Wow. You want -- you want to get in on this, harold? I got about 15 of these tanks left. [ explosions ] [ clears throat ] roughly. [ chuckles ] tanks, but no tanks. [ laughs ] oh, I don't know, harold. They make great speaker cabinets. Okay, I'll take two. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ rising up the stick and rising up the bow ♪ ♪ rising up my leg as far as you can go ♪ ♪ rising up the treetops and rising out on the lake ♪ ♪ who could ever guess the consequences ♪ ♪ when an overweight person sits on a violin? ♪ red: Kind of a scary "adventures with bill" this week. Bill brought all the paraphernalia -- yeah, we see you, bill -- life jackets and everything 'cause he said we had a problem outside the lodge, which really got my attention. Quicksand? Boy, you don't want to fool around. I was a nervous, right. You know, that's something that -- I'll just stand -- yeah, I'll just get in behind you there, bill, and I don't know exactly how quicksand -- uh, he's gonna feel around for it. I don't know how quicksand happens or anything, but, you know, he's going and all, and he starts to sink in, and, uh, but then I look at the other end of the pipe, and he's just faking it. Man! Whop! Yeah, yeah, that's real funny, bill. So, he goes and tries -- I wonder if quicksand comes from just a real narrow, uh, rainstorm -- you know, just goes -- I don't know what it is. But, anyway, nothing so far, so it seems all right, and this is, you know, right on the driveway, too, so you really want to know if you got something there because you can drove -- whoa, whoa, whoa! Boy! Boy, there's a patch of it right there. Get back. Get back, bill. Get back. Get back. Boy, and that went down fast, too, and it's -- and it's -- look at that, look at that. Oh, my gosh. That's deep. So bill sticks a sign in there to warn people. It says, "warning" -- oh, you already saw that, yeah. So now we go back to the front, maybe put some life jackets around that, really mark it properly 'cause the sign -- but where's the... I thought we had a whole bunch -- where's the stuff? We had a whole bunch of -- what's -- where? Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, my gosh. Another -- no, that wasn't there before. It was, you know. What the heck? Well, there -- oh, I see. All right, all right. The stuff has all fallen into the quicksand. Holy mackerel. Yeah. So bill's gonna go get the sign 'cause it's better to have the sign up here 'cause this is probably a bigger, but... Huh? Oh. Uh, well, uh... Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I see. All right, yeah. Yeah, yeah. She fell in. All right, all right. So, anyway, we're gonna leave that -- that's a smaller -- yeah, okay. We need two signs, really, is what we need, and, uh, bill's gonna come back and stick that in the front, and then he wants to find where the -- watch out, now. Watch out. No, it's a little farther than that. It was under that -- under that other life thing, under that seat cushion. That's -- under -- under the cushion. Move the -- yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, no. Oh, my gosh. Huh. Well, that's very strange, and I guess it healed over. Hmm. So back we go, and this time I'm looking for the thing, and bill's -- oh, oh, bill. Bill. Unfortunately, I didn't notice, and I get back there, and I... That one's gone, too. This is very strange. [ muffled ] help! And bill's gone. That's not quite so strange, but where the heck is he? Bill? Bill? Oh, oh. [ gagging ] oh, my gosh. Oh, I got to go get the, uh -- get the safety equipment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are floatation cushions there and a little piece of chain just in case he comes up too fast, and... Where is he? I can't find -- oh, poor bill. Where? Oh, for god's sakes. Yeah, yeah. That's bill. That's funny, bill. Ooh! Ooh! That sums it up for me. Well, I'm out of there. I don't know what it is with the quicksand, but hopefully it's all healed up by now. Aah! Oh, no. There's one more spot. And another one where the camera's standing. And now for all you young kids who aren't old enough to know better, here's harold. Oh, hi. Okay, um, well, welcome and good evening to my new show, which is all about having a career in movies and television. Okay, it's a little feature that I like to call... echoing "thiz iz the biz." [ laughs ] okay, okay. All righty. So I know -- I know it was spelled wrong, so don't send me like a million letters or anything like that or have protests in front of the unicef building 'cause I know it was spelled wrong, but that's the way that people in the biz do it just to show effect. You know, they say that for effect. Like, things like, uh, "let's do lunch." "I'd rather be directing." "no, harold, mr. Spielberg won't take your call. Please stop phoning us." just say it for effect. Yeah, it doesn't mean much. It just shows that they are indeed -- ha -- "players." [ chuckles ] okay, so, what do you need to be in "the biz"? [ laughs ] like -- like rabbits. Don't they look like a rabbit going to work? "I'm going to work. I'm a rabbit." okay, step one -- what you need is like a friend or a relative who already has a show. There's no way they're gonna know what they're doing, right? So then they just hire you. [ laughs ] whoo-hoo! Hi, uncle red. Hi. You know what I was doing? It's so funny, so funny. 'cause what I was doing -- what I -- you know what I was doing? I was -- I was explaining what people need to be in "the biz." oh, well, harold, right now, I need you to clean "the septics." oh, okay, all righty. Wa-a-a. And -- and step two is, you must be prepared to do anything while waiting for your big break. Yeah, especially during sweeps week. Oh! Oh! [ laughs ] [ film projector clicking ] [ dryer whirring ] "it is summer. "in the intense heat, everything expands, "with the exception of last year's shorts. Rip. Heat wave." reg is a vegetarian hunter, and I thought he might be able to use a couple of the tanks to store the meat that he's not eating. Reg, you know what you could use, I think, is a couple of big tanks to make into smokehouses for you venison and so on. No, sorry, red. When I came up here, I stopped eating meat. And you started killing meat. It's not the kill, it's the hunt. So far, I haven't bagged a thing. Oh, yeah? You almost bagged me a minute ago. [ rattling ] shh! Oh, this is good. Gotcha! Yikes! You got to be a lot more careful than that when you come sauntering through the woods, you big -- you should have faxed me a memo or something! Well, I can see why you became a vegetarian. I almost got something there. Well... Today is one of those days where everybody comes away a little wiser, a little more humble. Got the eyebrows singed off there, but luckily no one was hurt seriously. Ha! That's only because nobody was on rock reef point when your little lighthouse decided to turn into a huge firecracker. Yeah, harold, but on the bright side, the explosion completely eliminated rock reef point, so now we don't need a lighthouse. And I'll tell you -- old man sedgwick's gas-powered lawn roller turned out a lot better than we expected. Now we got a flat lawn, a flat driveway, and a new road into town. And that thing moved, too. You should have heard the noise. Ba-oom-ba! Ba-oom-ba! Ba-oom-ba! [ screeching ] that's the possum. It's meeting time. Yeah, yeah. You go ahead, harold. I'll be -- I'll be right down. You know, I think it was james joyce who said that a genius makes no mistakes, that his errors are on purpose, and they become the portholes of discovery. And that's the kind of thing you say when you do something real stupid. So, if my wife is watching, uh, your genius will be coming straight home after the meeting. My clothes kind of smell like gas, so I'm just gonna leave them all on the porch. You can do the same thing if you like. I wouldn't mind a few more fireworks. And so, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, thanks so much for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ indistinct conversations ] [ screeching ] all rise! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati.